mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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