so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
