i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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