you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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