so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
