This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
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Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
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I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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