I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
