I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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