i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
