my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was born a porn star she said
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
