Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
