I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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