Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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