I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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