so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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