I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
