Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
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I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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