I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
