You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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