I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
we made out on top of his cat.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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