He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
