I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
