i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
