i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
