32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
