so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
