I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
