Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Why is there bacon in the couch?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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