Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
