I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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