Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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