My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My life is pants optional.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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