Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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