Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
