It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
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Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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