I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
