Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
