Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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