I'm really into asian looking animals
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?