So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.