im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am available for nakedness
We need to get me chipped asap
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....