her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
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All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You should frame my arrest warrant.