My liver just broke up with me...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
