i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
