You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
