booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
