Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
