I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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