now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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