but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
