A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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