I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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