the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
