if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
