I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
