after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
All the doctor said was why
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
