Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
