Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
