I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
