just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
